The Real Rainbow

TW: This post discusses a concerning prenatal visit and miscarriage. If for any reason these topics are challenging right now, please skip this post. If you are going through this situation or season in your life right now, please know that you are not alone and that there are other women who would love to support you and walk with you. You are seen. You are loved. And every life matters.

April 23, 2018 was one of the best days of my entire life. It was just a few days before my 30th birthday, and during that year I would be getting the ultimate gift: a baby. When the pregnancy test read positive, I remember being filled with awe, wonder, and excitement that I had never experienced before. I immediately began praising and thanking God and praying over the little life that was to be born.

That evening we were hosting our home Bible study group at our house, and I had to wait until everyone left in order to tell my husband the good news because I knew that he wouldn't be able to hide his excitement from our friends. In my excitement and joy, I had forgotten to make dinner that night, so we went to Taco Bueno in order to celebrate because what better way to celebrate than with a chicken potato burrito?

We waited for the perfect day to announce the news to our immediate families: Mother's Day. Everything about our announcement felt Pinterest-perfect, and our mothers opened the perfect, little mugs that read "The best moms get promoted to grandmas." We videoed the reaction, and everything was magical, priceless, and wonderful. It was all rainbows, or so I thought.

On May 18th, we had our first doctor's appointment. We couldn't wait to see our baby on the screen and to start planning for our new life as parents. And sure enough, we saw that sweet, little baby on the screen and saw that he or she had a heartbeat. But the heartbeat wasn't as strong as it was supposed to be, and the measurements didn't correspond with how far along I was supposed to be. My precious doctor came in and told us the news, and she said that it didn't definitively mean that something was wrong but that we really needed to pray for growth. My mommy intuition had already let me know that something was wrong, but I prayed in faith that the baby would grow and that all would be well.

Unfortunately, exactly one week later, I miscarried. I will spare you all of the details because they are something that I am still processing to this day, but it is by God's grace that I followed my instincts to go to the emergency room. My precious husband held my hand and my nurse prayed over me throughout the experience, and I have never felt the presence of God so strongly as I did that night in my hospital bed. Right when I thought that the worst was about to happen, everything about my situation improved, and I attribute it directly to the power of prayer.

The next several months were challenging in so many ways. There were lots and lots of blood tests and lots and lots of needles. It took me much longer to physically recover than I ever expected. I had frequent nightmares and would wake up sweating and crying in panic. And I felt like I couldn't publicly share what I had just experienced because it just wasn't something that people talked about.

When I found out that I was expecting again 4 months later, I was equally ecstatic and equally terrified. I immediately fell to my knees and sobbed and prayed. Every, single day of those 40 weeks and 3 days was a day that I had to actively choose to trust God and to choose to live in faith and not in fear. I had to actively control my mind and to keep it from taking over any time I had the slightest symptom that I had experienced during my miscarriage, and it was the greatest spiritual battle that I had ever faced.

My pregnancy, labor, and delivery were high-risk and were riddled with challenges that I never even saw coming, but God was with me every step of the way, and my precious "rainbow" baby was born, perfectly healthy, stable, and whole. And I rejoiced as there was finally a rainbow after a year-long storm.

But that's when I realized that the baby wasn't the rainbow. The baby was a gift that I was never promised and that I thank God for every day.

But the real rainbow was learning to trust God in the storm.

The real rainbow wasn't getting exactly what I wanted when I wanted it.

The real rainbow was learning to still say, "God is good," when I didn't.

The real rainbow wasn't making God's goodness contingent upon my physical situation.

The real rainbow was realizing that God was just as good on the day that I lost my baby as He was on the day that my baby was successfully delivered.

The real rainbow wasn't discovering that I was blessed whenever I got the desires of my heart.

The real rainbow was discovering that I was blessed when I faced trials of many kinds (James 1:2-3), when I was poor in spirit (Matthew 5:3), and when I was mourning (Matthew 5:4).

The real rainbow wasn't posting a perfect photo at the perfect moment in order to convey a false appearance of perfection.

The real rainbow was being open about my brokeness, my deep need for the love and blood of Jesus, and my willingness to be faithful in the midst of imperfection and loss.

The real rainbow wasn't feeling sorry for myself and being paralyzed by pain.

The real rainbow was learning how to actively use my trial for God's glory.

The real rainbow wasn't choosing to be silent and to suffer alone.

The real rainbow was choosing to be bold and vulnerable and to let others know that they will never have to suffer this type of loss alone.

Instead of focusing on what I've lost, let me tell you what all I have gained.

I have gained a level of empathy for others that I never knew existed, and I have realized that we don't have to have gone through the exact, same experience as someone else in order to be empathetic to that person.

I have gained the understanding that life is too short to be anything but kind and that kindness is even more imperative because many people's struggles are invisible. We truly never know what battle another person is facing silently.

I have gained the courage to not only share my rainbow but also to share my storm. I cannot adequately share my rainbow without sharing the storm that created it because rainbows cannot happen without rain. The rainbow is proof of the storm.

I have gained a ministry opportunity that I could only gain by dealing with my type of loss, and I have been able to help many friends and even women that I barely know to deal with our grief, together.

I have gained the understanding that there are many mothers here on earth with children who were never born and that there are many moms who never get promoted to grandma. Our identity, value, and worth are not determined by the earthly titles that we define ourselves by; our identity, value, and worth are determined by God's decision to sacrifice His only child so that we might spend eternity with Him.

And I have gained a hunger for God and for heaven that I have never had before because I have a child in heaven waiting for me whom I will not get to see unless I am there.

I have gained the real rainbow and that is the faith, hope, and love that I have through Jesus Christ, come rain or shine or storms or rainbows.